Sunday, November 14, 2010

Chasing Coats

Somewhere between birth and Kindergarten, the struggle begins.

It's freezing outside and your little bundle of joy whom you swaddled from the womb to protect, refuses your direction to wear a coat.

Try as you might to reason, the refusal - at least in my experience - heightens when I pay attention to it.

According to NPR, "Bundling kids up satisfies a deep-seated parental impulse to protect.
And culturally, it's considered the right thing to do."

Try telling that to my two boys.
I have tried to see things from the little people's perspective. I think of  Ralphie in the Christmas Story who is so bundled up that when he falls he can't get up. But that's not my M.O. My plea is reasonable - Put on a fleece and go to school.

My impulse to protect is also rooted in being perceived as a good mother What will other people think if Patty sends her kids anywhere without a coat? BAD MOTHER. But experts say sometimes you have to let kids figure out that cold weather and a warm coat make good sense.

I checked in with national parenting coach Bill Corbett to capture some sanity.

"Getting your kids to wear their coat can be a challenge for a couple of reasons. For some children it is a power struggle because it is their way of exerting their sense of power and control. For others, it's not cool because the sign of a coat indicates submitting to the uncool parent and they don't want their peers to see them being influenced by their parents," he said.

Corbett said in some instances, it may be acceptable for a parent to avoid the power struggle and let the child leave for school without their coat and let the cold be the natural consequence of not having the coat.
" This might motivate the child to put on his coat," he said.
But then there are more questions.
What if the power or peer pressure is greater than the effects of the cold air? Or what if the parent is not willing to take the chances of having to pay for health care and losing time at work when their child comes down with a sickness?
There is an alternative.
"Give the child a choice between two jackets to wear. If the child refuses the choice, the parent could ask for the teacher's cooperation in telling the child that a coat must be worn to come to school on cold days," Corbett said. " Another option may be for the parent to play the "I'm not willing for you to leave the house without your coat" card."
Throwing down the latter gauntlet is handled like this:
"The adult reminds the child that putting on a coat at the parent's decision is called "cooperation." If the child refuses to cooperate, then the parent may have to remind the child that he or she may not get cooperation from the parent with activities or privileges that are not rights, such as going places, having friends over, and use of entertainment electronics in the house," Corbett said.

At my house we had a family meeting about coats.
The kids came up with the solution. They would take their cold weather gear in their backpacks to school. I could live with that because I knew when I was not there, they had the equipment they needed to be warm.

On the first day we saw a bit of snow, the boys put their coats in the backpacks. When we went into the chilly air and freezer like car, they both whined, "It's cold" and shivered.

What could you do about that? I asked.

I heard the zippers of their backpacks open.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Doing the best I can...Erica Jong gave me permission

Parenting is hard work.
Duh, you might say.
But in hindsight, did you ever really think about all the challenges you might face when you were picking out the layette?
The not knowing and living as it comes, is all part of the fun in raising a family. Yet, it is still scary.
The pressure to do everything well and by the societal book is daunting.
Someone always says, "Where was the mother?"
The judgement police or the real-life mommy mean girls in @nerdyapple's viral blog post about her 5 year old son dressing as Daphne from Scooby Doo, are always ready to pounce.
It can be hard to dismiss the head trash.
Erica Jong's essay in the Wall Street Journal today - Mothering Madness - kind of slapped me back to reality.
Like Jong, I too am  tired of looking at celebrity mom photos toting around their babies while jet setting when you know darn well their bazillion dollar pay checks, nurses, maids, drivers, cooks, tutors and whatever else not captured in the photo tell a very different story.
I don't need mothering tips from Giselle.
The simple words, "Do your best," that Jong used at the end of her essay let me breathe.
I have spent the last week having nightmares about 4th grade homework. I have what-iffed over insufficient flashcards, worried about Robin Hood in Spanish and stressed over whether the Spanish was Spain Spanish or Latin American. My dusty dictionary from college is Spain Spanish.
This dialect dilemma was only interrupted by repetitive thoughts to whisk my son to the barber when he does not want to go. He is growing his hair like Tom Brady. (Again, thanks Giselle.)
I stop obsessing about locks just in time to read the school newsletter that says, "Please be sure to read to your child every night"...(Because if you don't you are a the most unengaged, sorry excuse for a parent that ever lived!)
OK, the newsletter did not really say the last part, but the directive moved me to action and simultaneously consumed me with guilt.
 I read five books in a row to my kindergartner, including a BobThe Builder page turner, because I nearly forgot I had a second child having spent so much of my week in 4th grade.
So thanks for the smack Erica Jong.
I needed that.