Sometimes as a parent you have to force yourself to remember what it is like to be a kid. It's not easy with the mom voices swirling in your head - your own and/or your mother's.
I am reminded of myself as a child in some ways when my boys test boundaries of their own. The thing is, my adult mind jumps to scold first before i empathize. I think this is fear on my part... a subconscious - oh no they missed a homework again so they will end up on skid row - thought that fires up to the front of my brain before I can accurately understand what is going on.
I am not making light of doing homework or getting good grades, or being respectful because I know responsibility is important but lately I am reminded that scolding and harping on these things are not effective strategies. They just don't work and they make me sad because I usually end up acting like a jerk. In fact, I was told in no uncertain terms by my well-spoken tween that it hurts him on the inside when I yell about school. This was a bittersweet parenting moment for me. I was so proud of the ways he expressed his feelings to me and so pissed at myself for behaving like a drill sergeant. I apologized but continue to flog myself with the bad mom stick. (Queue husband saying, "let it go." For the record I obsess on my awfulness hence the blog)
In this time of guilty mothering I have been thinking or rather reminding myself of all the kid stuff I did and I have come up with a list - a childhood rap sheet as long as my arm.
I got in trouble in school. Oh yes! I know this is hard to believe as my own mother has washed away these memories but i am putting them down for the record.
In Kindergarten - yes I started young - when it was time for Mr. P to come to class (the Letter People were blow up dolls in a program to help us with phonics), we were treated with pretzels. I STOLE a couple from my classmate's napkin. She told and I got caught and cried. This did not cure me for good.
In second grade I would always watch the big kids take chalk and write their initials plus other initials in hearts on the back of Kirtland School's wall. I had an inkling it was wrong, But and this is a big But, I did not know why it was wrong. So, I swiped some chalk from the board in Mrs. Fleming's class and went to town. I drew flowers. I drew hearts. I even made up initials to plus, I would have colored the whole school until the playground monitor Mrs. Leblanc bagged me and said she had to tell my teacher.
Mrs. Leblanc came to class and said she needed to speak to Patty and Mrs. Fleming about an incident. There were three Pattys in my class and I wasn't raising my hand (mmmhmm that's right. I did not take responsibility). Mrs. Fleming, not suspecting me of wrong doing as I barely said two words ever, went to the next Patty. But Mrs. Leblanc said no. It was PATTY NORRIS. (queue Law & Order music theme)
Mrs. Fleming yanked me by my arm and screamed and yelled all the way to the back of the school where I was banished to wash away my handiwork.
Mrs. Fleming did not cure me of my envelope pushing either. I also schemed to wear my Dr, Scholl's wooden sandals to school even though my mother told me not to. I was sleeping at Gram's and Gram said I could wear them after I purposely left out the info of my mom banning them from school.
Later that day, all totally cool in my new big girl, real wood, sandals, I tried to jump rope in them at recess. I jumped right on my big toe and had to go home to the fury of my mom. I can still see my Gram shaking her head.
That same year, I lifted a dollhouse dining room chair from my friend's new lavish dollhouse mostly because I only had the Fisher Price Sweet Street dollhouse and I wanted a fancy one or at least a piece of a fancy one. This was wrong.
Still I pulled the chair out of my pocket and put it in the Sweet Street house. My mother saw it and screamed, " WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?" grabbed me by the arm, threw me and the chair in the car and drove up to my friend's house where I promptly returned the chair and apologized to my friend standing in the doorway of her apartment with her mother behind her.
That pretty much ended my life in crime, sort of.
By middle and high school, I too forgot homework assignments. I got bad grades and got good grades. I was inconsistent. I was far too wrapped up in boys. I broke curfews and one time skipped school.
My mother railed that I would never get into college. She worried i would get pregnant too early not go to school, become a delinquent etc. etc.
But you see, it all turned out fine.
I went to college. I made the Dean's list. I found a good job, I married a great guy and we are raising two boys who are just fine when they are not in the emergency room. (I really have to work on that.)
So the next time i get the urge to yell and go off, I am going to first look in the mirror, take a deep breath, and reassess.
I have also taken the Orange Rhino pledge not to yell anymore and you can too here.
Good luck. ;)!
